SPOILER ALERT!
Today's post is a serious one. There probably won't be even a hint of a humor. So if you're in the mood for a laugh or just don't wanna be bogged down with the harder side of life, I suggest you go back and read one of my older posts...or hold off for your fix until this weekend's list.
Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. It was also the anniversary of her loss. Isabella-Rose Elizabeth.
A little history for my faithful followers who are slightly confused. Last spring I found myself dating a guy I thought was perfect. And then he showed his true colors and dumped me...by simply refusing to answer any calls or texts anymore. (Yeah, I know...real mature.) Three weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.
I really examined every option but ultimately I knew I couldn't give her up. During this time, I started talking with the boyfriend and getting to know him. Amazingly, when I told him about everything, he didn't run for the hills.
On Columbus Day last year, I was scheduled for my first ultrasound. At just 20 weeks, I was so excited to finally be able to find out the sex of the baby, I ignored the pains I had been having, writing them off as travel pains. (I had just recently returned from a trip to visit the ex's family, who were excited about the baby, unlike Douchebag.)
Most of my time at the hospital is a blur. All I really know is that when I went in for my ultrasound, my vitals were "concerning". A short time later I was in an E.R. bed hemorrhaging. BellaRose made her brief stop in my arms, all perfect ten fingers and ten toes of her. She even had little eyelashes framing her almond shaped eyes. At just 9.5 ounces, she was like a tiny doll. She never even took a breath of air into her lungs but for me, she's frozen in time, laying across my chest.
In my anger and pain, I didn't have a service or memorial of any kind. I think at the time, I simply wanted to put everything behind me. In hindsight, I'm sorry that I don't have a little place of remembrance. Yesterday, the boyfriend helped me remedy that...in a way.
I wanted some way to memorialize her all too short life. My wonderful friends came up with all sorts of beautiful ideas and ultimately I decided on this:
I, of the un-green thumb and minimal knowledge of plants of any sort, planted Japanese anemones and some pansies for my little girl. Fittingly, the anemones are also known as "whirlwinds"...a great analogy for BellaRose's fleeting stay in my life.
A long time ago, I promised myself that my writing would not be too personal. I would keep it light-hearted, humorous with occasional rants about things I feel strongly about. However, I find myself sharing more and more with my readers as time passes. And this, my daughter's life, is something I couldn't not share. How would I be able to go on with the week if I tried to pretend to you all that I was just the same old me with no cares in the world?
And so I apologize for lightening my heart at your expense, but I thank you for your attention and taking the time to read my tears. And if you're feeling a bit sad, take a moment and send a prayer or thought up for all of our babies that live too short of a life. Our little angels will hear our words and know they are not forgotten.
Toodles, my dears.
There are no words that would explain how I feel for you! I have never experienced a more painful trial than the devastation you must have gone through. All I can say now is that I am a great listener and have the coping skills to try to coach you through the pain I know you must still be feeling. Although her body has passed her memory will always be with you. I'm not a believer in Jesus nor Christianity, however I can say that she must have been needed in Heaven. I check my FB & moco on a daily basis, and if you are in need someone WILL find me. I'm so totally here for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is your space for you to write what you would like. If it can be cathartic for you and help you through a difficult time, than even better.
ReplyDeleteI think the Japanese anemones and pansies is a lovely idea :-)